Perhaps my experiences in trying to overcome being a RAD bad dad can help my daughter to progress, as well. If so, it will all be worth it.

If I Could Only Change One Thing I Ever Did…

I didn’t want to write this one. I thought I never would. Several comments on my blogs over the past weeks have convinced me that I need to. Really, this should probably be categorized under the Parents From Hard Places category, rather than Reactive Attachment Disorder, because that category is more about how we are like our traumatized children and how we react like they do. Well, there’s your hint… “how we react like they do.” That’s got to tell you I’m not going to write about a proud moment. Nope. This one is about days when I’m a RAD bad dad.

My actions during that moment could only have come from a RAD bad dad.

The comments that prompted me to pull this skeleton out of the closet talked about moments of failure in parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and ones that asked me how to repair damage that we bring to our children when we fail, ourselves. I only wish I could eloquently point you toward the failures of other parents and the brilliant solutions they used to heal a child they had hurt just a little bit more than they already were. That won’t be the case. This one is personal. My actions during that moment could only have come from a RAD bad dad. This one is raw. It still hurts even eight years later. It still haunts me. I said something horrible. No. I screamed something horrible; something so bad that no matter how many times I take it back, I will never be able to undo what I did. Those hateful words still ring in my ears; “You’re the ugliest f*****g thing I have ever seen in my life! Why would I want you?!”

I could tell you that I’m not a RAD bad dad because my daughter pushed me to it.

OK, so if you have ever put me on a pedestal, you can kick it out from under me now. The noose is already in place. Oh, I could justify myself. I could tell you that I’m not a RAD bad dad because my daughter pushed me to it. I could tell you that she was coming onto me sexually, undoing her shirt and telling me how she knew I liked it. I could tell you that I am better than fathers who, in a moment of weakness, gave in to impulse, tempted by a daughter sexualized from her earliest memories, and who wasn’t “technically” their own flesh and blood. I could tell you that, but I’m not sure it’s true. I could tell you that at least I didn’t punch her, like some parents would. To be honest, I was gripping her arm when I screamed at her, and honestly… I pictured myself throwing her down the stairs. I don’t condone any abuse of children whether or not they suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. I think that parents should be held accountable for their actions against these children. I believe that when laws are broken, parents should submit to the legal consequences. That’s not the point of this article, though. The point is to help other parents understand how we might repair damage we cause when we blow it.

Why should expectations be any different for a RAD bad dad than they are for a child or young adult who suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Well, if you needed an example of “blowing it,” I was Hurricane Katrina. So… what could I do? What do I expect my daughter to do when she goes way too far? I expect her to get herself under control as quickly as she can. I expect her to “come clean.” I want her to admit what she did and that it was wrong. Then I want a commitment that she won’t do it anymore. Of course I know that change takes time and that she won’t proceed with perfection, but I want a commitment for her to honestly do her best to change. Over time, I expect the worst of her behaviors to soften. Why should expectations be any less for a RAD bad dad than they are for a child or young adult who suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder? (And particularly when our histories and abilities are compared.)

I did the things I should have done, but it took this RAD bad dad longer than it should have.

I didn’t get myself under control nearly as quickly as I should have after that moment of shame. I did the things I should have done, but it took this RAD bad dad longer than it should have. I admitted to my daughter that what I had done was horribly wrong. Fortunately, she only saw words as a tool to use during a fight. She hadn’t taken them personally any more than she thought I should take words personally from her (what a strange RAD world we live in). I asked my daughter for her forgiveness and she frankly gave it to me. I told her that I’m not perfect and that sometimes I’m not even good. Then I promised her that I would do better. A careless shrug was her only response.

Perhaps my experiences in trying to overcome being a RAD bad dad can help my daughter to progress, as well. If so, it will all be worth it.

The next time my daughter got out of control, we were able to talk about her RAD bad dad, and some of my failures. Then we talked about what I did to try to repair what I had done. I am convinced that we experience trauma at the hands of our children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder so that we can blaze the path, showing them how to overcome trauma. Nowhere is this truth more evident than as we fail and then show our children how to recover from failure. Perhaps my experiences in trying to overcome being a RAD bad dad can help my daughter to progress, as well. If so, it will all be worth it.

I approached my Father and told Him I was sorry for being a RAD bad dad.

There is a part I’m leaving out. After I had done my best to set things right with my daughter, there was something else I needed to do. I approached my Father and told Him I was sorry for being a RAD bad dad. I promised Him I would never do those things again (and while I have never fallen to those depths again, that promise has gone unfulfilled). I asked Him to help me to be a good dad and I asked for His forgiveness.

The last thing I needed to do was to forgive myself. On some days I’d tell you I have been able to do that. On others, I realize I’m still working at it. Oh, how I wish I had never been a RAD bad dad; but would the fulfillment of that wish take away experience I need to have, in order to help my daughter?

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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