I cherish RAD mothers and all that they do, against their own wishes and desires, to give the children they love a chance.

Mothers Who Love While Being Hated

My wife has a favorite scene in a silly Jack Black film called School of Rock. In it, Principal Mullins (Joan Cusack) is talking to wannabe rocker, Dewy Finn (Jack Black) and she is describing the pressure she’s under as the principle of an uptight, overachieving private school. She says that the parents have turned her into something she never wanted to be. When Dewey asks what that is, she mouths the “B” word. When he says she isn’t and could never be that, she says, “Oh yes I am! I’m a big one!” Might as well have been spoken by RAD mothers. WAIT! Wait… Please let me finish… The point is I don’t think my wife could ever be a “B” word. No one who knows her thinks she could be a “B” word. Anyone who only knew her before we adopted traumatized children would be shocked that anyone, including my wife (even jokingly) might use the “B” word in reference to her.

Yeah, well… She’s wrong. And so are the rest of you RAD mothers.

The fact remains that some of my traumatized kids have used the “B” word to describe my saintly wife. And the truth is, sometimes my wife feels like she is a “B” word, no matter how far that is from the truth. I think she is like most mothers of children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. She thinks that the children have turned her into something she never wanted to be… and A BIG ONE, at that. Yeah, well… She’s wrong. And so are the rest of you RAD mothers.

You RAD Mothers have turned into something that you never wanted to be. No. That isn’t a “B” word.

You weren’t allowed to mother these children the way that you would have had they emerged from your womb and been placed in your arms seconds later. You didn’t get to hold them as you nursed them while looking into their eyes and telling them softly that they were the most precious gift that had ever come into the world. Their brains didn’t register thoughts and feelings like that while critical parts of it were forming and developing. Their brains didn’t have that foundation to build on. So their brains were built on sand. You don’t parent these children differently because you are a “B” word. You do it because you must. You RAD mothers have turned into something that you never wanted to be. No. That isn’t a “B” word.

You RAD mothers are the bravest, greatest mothers I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

You have been forced to be rigid. For the only chance at your children having any degree of success, you have been stern. You have fought fiercely in a war, though you never felt any degree of desire to be a soldier. You knew there was a place in the world for stern and rigid soldiers who won battles. You even admired them. But you never wanted to be one; much less, A BIG ONE. OK RAD Mothers, let me tell you something. I do see a place for stern and rigid soldiers in families where children have come from hard places. The anger and fear your children feel has not allowed another option. And though you never wanted to be one, I admire you (much as you detest what you were forced to become). You RAD mothers are the bravest, greatest mothers I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

I cherish RAD mothers and all that they do, against their own wishes and desires, to give the children they love a chance.

You love while you are rejected. You nurture while being despised. You defend those who hold the knife against your back. And… you do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. You offer them your coat when they take your shirt. And far too many of you have had both cheeks bruised in a very literal sense. I hope that you recognize those words and where they come from. If you do, you know where your reward will come from, even if you don’t get it from where you want it most; as offered thanks and love from your children. Though Mother’s Day is what prompted me writing this article, it is not the only time I feel this way. I love RAD mothers every day. I cherish RAD mothers because their children’s lives are almost always far better than they would have been without them. I cherish RAD mothers and all that they do, against their own wishes and desires, to give the children they love a chance.

I know that Mother’s Day will be a “B” word at your house. It always is when children come from hard places. I won’t wish you a happy one because I’m a realist. I know what will happen. But I will wish you success by the time you reach the end of your long and difficult journey. I will wish you great happiness and the sense of achievement you deserve for every small mile post you pass. Please don’t degrade yourself for being something your family needed you to be. If you did, you would be degrading one of the things I admire most. I love you because you’re a RAD mother. And you’re A BIG ONE!
If my bank account would allow it, I would give each of you the gift I think would help you most in your journey with children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder: an entire library of the DVDs produced by Karyn Purvis and the team at TCU. Alas, that isn’t possible. Still, please buy this first DVD as a Mother’s Day gift for yourself and then follow its teachings. This really is a better, easier and more effective way. Please… Trust me. 

Please don’t feel like you need to ask, to share. 🙂 Few things make me happier than your belief that my writings might help someone else. I love to see the likes, the comments, and especially, the shares. 🙂 Oh, and in case you’re interested, I almost always accept Friend Requests from other RAD Parents. Due to the way Facebook and the blog are set up, in the blog, on comments, I can tag you in them if we’re friends, but the program won’t let me tag you if we’re not. Here’s the link to my personal page: https://www.facebook.com/john.m.simmons2

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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