Adoption identity is often influenced by the child’s interpretation of who was at fault for the failure of their first family.

The Truth. The Whole Truth. And Nothing but the Truth.

Think back to any of the times that you were dumped in a romantic relationship. I’m not talking about when you were the one to instigate the demise. I’m not even referring to a mutual agreement to end. I only want you to think about being “dumped;” the situations where you had no choice in the matter. Take those considerations a step further. Think back to friends of yours and their reactions in such circumstances of their own. How did you react? How did your friends react? I’m sure that you will see many overlapping feelings and responses. I’m also quite certain you will agree that no two people felt or acted exactly the same. In fact, I’m also confident that you are completely unable to relate to the responses of some of those individuals. Perhaps you found them depressed beyond reason. Maybe they were angry and vengeful beyond safety. It is possible, though it occurs less often, that the person being left behind is more forgiving than you can fathom. Now… take those thoughts and apply them to adoption identity.

Adoption identity is often influenced by the child’s interpretation of who was at fault for the failure of their first family.

Let’s face it. Even in cases of severe abuse and neglect, a child would almost never agree to leave her mother. That leaves them as a victim in the decision to terminate their family arrangement, whether it is for their own good or not. The child would almost never make the choice that is made and the child is the only one with no part in the decision. Sometimes the decision is made by courts, other times by first, or other parents and less often, at least in first-world countries, by circumstances like death. Whose “fault” is the demise of the first family? Is it the court’s for not giving one more chance? Is it the first parent’s for not being willing to adapt? Does the fault lie with some other unrelated party who placed undue and unfair pressure on first parents to place their child for adoption? Adoption identity is often influenced by the child’s interpretation of who was at fault for the failure of their first family. As the sales industry is fond of saying; “perception is the only reality.”

The least devastating history has the best chance at helping the child to form a healthy and positive adoption identity.

Of course adoptive parents have always been aware that the child’s perspective is perhaps the most important part of developing a relationship with their child, and how the child views herself. In fact, concern over these factors have often led to unhealthy and dishonest practices that only make matters worse when truth has the audacity to rear its ugly head. Of course it is easiest for children when the story is that a thirteen-year-old mother was not mature enough to take care of them, needed to finish her schooling, and wanted to continue on with a more traditional life. Even so, she loved her child so much, that she went to great extents to find the very best parents she could, who wanted a child dearly but had been brutalized by biological circumstances that left them unable to have children biologically. Difficult as it may be for the child to comprehend that situation, it’s a fairly easy pill to swallow in such a devastating occurrence as family-failure. The least devastating history has the best chance at helping the child to form a healthy and positive adoption identity. Perhaps it’s why that is the story that often makes it into the family history, even when it isn’t the truth (or at least, the whole truth).

Unfortunately for the child, they often choose to be damned when building their adoption identity.

Some adoptive parents opt for an even more scandalous option. They tell their child of monster-like first parents that would have destroyed them had the government and adoptive parents not intervened and rescued them. In this case of “sinners and saints,” a child feels forced to choose the “good” or be relegated to the realms of the damned. Unfortunately for the child, they often choose to be damned when building their adoption identity. But what if it’s the truth? What if there really were “good guys” and “bad guys” when it comes to sets of parents?

Those children needed more details in order to form an adoption identity.

I’m quite a practical person and it seems to me that reality is rarely all of one and none of another. One of my adopted children was birthed by a young mother, just barely beyond her fourteenth birthday. That child is also the most forgiving of my children, in any circumstance, simply by his nature. One of my children came to our family because both of his first parents decided to end their own lives. He struggles with rejection every day and can hardly tolerate the simplest of constructive criticisms. Four of my children came from the same first parents. They were horrifically abused by a first mother. Their first father was addicted to substances and offered no protection, even when lives were in critical danger. Still, that wasn’t the whole truth. Those children needed more details in order to form an adoption identity.

We found it critical to the healthy adoption identity of each of our adopted children that there was no place for the demonization of first parents.

As parents my wife and I worked hard to gather as much information about our children’s histories as we could. When they told us of demonic actions by their first mother, we sat with them, individually, and talked about why those things might have happened. When they realized that their first mother was raised in Russian orphanages, and turned out into the street at sixteen, they were open to out explanations that no one had ever taught “Mama Oksana” how to be a mother. We found it critical to the healthy adoption identity of each of our adopted children that there was no place for the demonization of first parents.

Adoption is hard. The histories are often complex and riddled with mistakes, catastrophes and betrayals. So are romantic relationships. But what did you want when you were the victim? Did you want a flowery framed picture to hang on the wall to memorialize a failed relationship? Did you want a mangled picture to throw darts at? Regardless of what you thought you wanted in the beginning, I hope that you eventually got to the point where you appreciated the truth and accepted help from others to move on with your life. I think that as parents of adopted children we have a responsibility to our children to seek out truth and to help them to see the obscure truths hidden in their adoption pictures. Some of those truths will be more positive and others will shed a negative light. But a healthy adoption identity for our child can only be built on a foundation of sharing all of the facts we can find.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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