Emily on a beach at Golden Horn Bay, near Vladivostok, soon after leaving her orphanage.

First I came to Amarica, first I make bad choices. And when I come to Amarica I been mean to my family and also friends. I been in lots institutions and it’s not fun at all. I used to run away and hurt myself all the time and I don’t control myself. I used to been in jail for a long time [Emily was in Juvenile Detention once for three months]. And I went to [name of treatment facility omitted] and other different kinds of places [series of group homes, treatment centers and institution type facilities]. Sometimes I hate things about me.

I like people help all the time. Sometimes I feel I want to kill myself. I have lots of problems about my life. I’ve been abused from Russian orphiniges. Sometimes I need like run away or hurt myself. I feel sometimes life it does not matter anymore for my life. I hurt my sisters and my brothers and for that I went to jail [juvenile detention] and now I cannot go to Russia. [Emily would like to return to Russia to visit a near-catatonic sister, Lydia, who was left behind. A felony conviction complicates such a return.]

Because I am saying this is because I want to help kids always because they need families because I am writing myself all the time. [Emily writes this blog by herself because she wants to help children to get families.]

I am [was] mad all the time means when I was mad all the time. But it’s not OK to hurt others or myself or run away all the time. But I am breaking glass sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I need government to help me all the time because I couldn’t help myself. I feel like who cares [about] my life anymore? But government care about my life. When I live for long time with my family I threaten my family before but that is not OK.

Sometimes I feel my life not good enough. Sometimes when I hurt myself or run away then I am not so happy with my life. Government need more helping me all the time. Make sure I am safe all the time because I don’t care sometimes. Life is not easy for me. Some kids like me need help from government all the time. Thanks for the help.

Wow. These blogs are always Emily’s thoughts and words. I only clarify when I feel like I really need to. It was difficult for me to read parts of this, but it helps me to understand my daughter better. It was interesting to see the “Soviet Thinking” that I can’t take care of myself so I need the government to do it. It was also interesting to see the lessons that she was taught in Russian orphanages, that she should be thankful to the government for taking care of her and that she can’t take care of herself. It surprised me to see how little difference she sees between her institutional life in Russia and her government-supported partial-institution-life in the U.S. It pained me to see that she feels more secure with the government supporting her than family. It surprised me to see that she put her loyalties and trust more in government than family, though it shouldn’t have with where she came from and with what has continued to happen in her life since moving to the United States. I think that this is partly because of her upbringing in Russia, particularly with what was taught to orphans who were supported by the government. Still, our family is not blameless. Though I stand by our decision to get Emily into institutional care, for her own safety, and for that of others, it came at a price. Her belief that government was there for her when family wasn’t providing for her, was painfully true. (Though we did remain very involved and she has always been included, and considered an important part of our family). If you have a family member who suffers from depression, particularly with self-harm or suicidal tendencies, I hope that this helps you to better understand them and also to realize the need for them to have constant care and support. Emily chose to share these thoughts (against my counsel) because she thought it would help others who also have her same feelings. Though that may not be true, I agree that it might help their families. If you have a child from a former Soviet state, I hope this sheds some light on their thinking. Regardless of where you are, I hope that we all realize the dangers of making government more important and more worthy of trust than family.

Return to Emily’s blog

Return to John M. Simmons blog

Register for our Weekly Newsletter!