RAD compromising means a new argument each day, beginning with the most liberal interpretation of an immoveable line that was agreed to the day before.

How About if we Limit Her to Five Homicides per Month?

I hate listening to politicians when they say they are compromising. The thing that irritates me most is that when they claim to have compromised and are ready to do the deal, they renege. They go back for more than what they agreed to. The deal is never done. Even after the war has finished and the subject has assembled itself into law, the politicians are back at it again, as soon as congress convenes. It makes me wonder if politicians have Reactive Attachment Disorder. Their definition of compromise is certainly the same as RAD compromising.

RAD compromising holds as much truth as a promise in congress.

I remember sitting in a meeting with my wife, sixteen-year-old daughter and one of the first therapists we hired to help her. Unfortunately, at that time, we thought that therapists were therapists and we didn’t understand the importance of getting the right one i.e. one who specializes in the complex challenges of Reactive Attachment Disorder. My daughter had told him that she needed two hours of individual attention from Dad, and the same from Mom. He was there to deliver the message. When I explained that we had nine children and there was no way, he thought that maybe we could compromise and give her one hour of individual attention with Mom and the same with Dad. While that amount of time was also unreasonable, and I said so, the real problem was that I knew that even if we agreed, RAD compromising holds as much truth as a promise in congress.

Even if my suggestion had been accepted by all parties, RAD compromising would have sent us back in a few days to increase the homicide limit through the magical tool of compromise.

The therapist told us that the real problem was not with our daughter, but that her parents refused to compromise. (And yes that did happen right in front of our daughter. Thanks for that, Mr. Professional.) But we had compromised. We had compromised again and again and again. We didn’t expect our children from trauma to join in and create a Brady Bunch family. We had compromised back to the point of the only rules our daughter was expected to follow were actual laws. After arguing unsuccessfully with the therapist, I suggested that we might limit my daughter to five homicides per month. He just glared at me. But even if my suggestion had been accepted by all parties, RAD compromising would have sent us back in a few days to increase the homicide limit through the magical tool of compromise.

RAD compromising allows them to agree to anything, now, relying on RAD lying to give them a whole new beginning on another day.

Compromise is an important psychological tool that helps many who suffer from mental illness to make progress without feeling overwhelmed. In fact, much of today’s counseling uses compromise as a foundation. But an over dependence on compromise when it comes to Reactive Attachment Disorder is more harmful than helpful. Part of the problem in renegotiating again and again is that it leads the child to believe that once they agree to something, they don’t need to stick by it. This RAD compromising allows them to agree to anything, now, relying on RAD lying to give them a whole new beginning on another day.

Failure is the only possible outcome in any type of compromise where one party refuses to be reasonable or keep promises. This includes RAD compromising.

In order for compromise to be effective, as counter-proven by politicians on so many occasions, both sides need to be reasonable. Why are we so familiar with the term, “We don’t compromise with terrorists!?” Of course it is because one side is being completely unreasonable and no reasonable long-term solution can come from such compromise. Failure is the only possible outcome in any type of compromise where one party refuses to be reasonable or keep promises. This includes RAD compromising.

I am decrying RAD compromising. We can’t return to the same subject and rehash it again and again.

I am not suggesting that we don’t compromise with our children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. In fact, where they have often come from circumstances where they have had absolutely no control, and where they were in danger, it is imperative that they be given some control. Of course this can be accomplished by compromise and that much is healthy. What I am decrying is RAD compromising. We can’t return to the same subject and rehash it again and again.

Once a compromise is agreed upon, we are finished with that argument. To allow otherwise is to reinforce the erroneous understanding that these children already have, that there is no consistency in the world; that there is no principle of cause and effect. Those are fundamental principles that elude our children and that they will need to come to accept and navigate if they are to be able to have successful lives. Heaven help us if we let RAD compromising destroy that foundation.

 Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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