All of us need to find ways to replenish our emotional and energy reserves at a faster rate than we deplete them, to avoid the catastrophe of RAD exhaustion.

Sometimes, I Can Barely Get Out of Bed in the Morning

Last week I posted a blog article called RAD Broke, about the financial difficulties and government stonewalling that many of us with children from hard places face. You must have read my mind. While many people could relate to the financial difficulties, others went straight to the next issue, which was to be the focus of this week’s blog. Whether or not you are RAD Broke on a financial level, you may well be RAD Broke on an emotional level. I like to call it RAD exhaustion.

Usually, once we hit the position of RAD exhaustion, water simply doesn’t trickle back into the well at the rate we need it, and things start to fall apart.

As we navigate the stormy waters of Reactive Attachment Disorder, and the “alphabet soup” of other disorders associated or accompanying it, we soon find that our emotions and energy are limited assets. For my wife, Amy, and me, this was devastating. We knew that money was limited, we understood we only had so much house and we only had so much time. When we began to realize that there was a limit to how much emotion and energy we could put toward helping a child from a hard place, we struggled. We blamed ourselves. We thought we should have been better people, willing to give more and do more; no matter what. Eventually we came to understand that really, willingness was not the issue. Emotions and energy are limited resources. And when we deplete the well, we can only withdraw the amount of water at the rate it trickles back into the hole. Usually, once we hit the position of RAD exhaustion, water simply doesn’t trickle back in at the rate we need it, and things start to fall apart.

All of us need to find ways to replenish our emotional and energy reserves at a faster rate than we deplete them, to avoid the catastrophe of RAD exhaustion.

RAD exhaustion, or depletion of the well, leaves us with two options. We can either back off on what we provide to help our traumatized children (we can almost never back off enough and keep our families in a sustainable mode) or we can try to find ways to get water to replenish the well quicker. That is what I want to focus on, today. All of us need to find ways to replenish our emotional and energy reserves at a faster rate than we deplete them, to avoid the catastrophe of RAD exhaustion.

For us, “family vacation” is anything but a vacation and only brings on more RAD exhaustion.

Typically, before we had children from hard places in our families, we did more things that replenished our emotional and energy reserves. Having these children, now, has affected our ability to refill and replenish in the ways we did prior to having children from hard places. Perhaps we find ourselves in a position where we can’t leave our kids alone, like we could in bygone days. Maybe being RAD broke has made the travel we used to do impossible. It is not only possible, but likely that “family vacation” is an oxy-moron. For us, “family vacation” is anything but a vacation and only brings on more RAD exhaustion.

Families, and particularly marriages, cannot survive under circumstances that are always stressful and contentious. RAD exhaustion can and does obliterate families.

Reactive Attachment Disorder and related contingencies stress parents. They stress other family members. The entire affair is a stress on a marriage. All parties need a break from constant stress. Parents need to take time away, separately, on a regular basis and together, at least from time to time. The other kids need opportunities away as well. The kids usually get their time with extra-curricular activities and the like. But the parents take a beating, and unfairly, it is usually weighted even worse on mothers. Families, and particularly marriages, cannot survive under circumstances that are always stressful and contentious. RAD exhaustion can and does obliterate families.

Here’s the point… We dealt with the issues without being at the mercy of RAD exhaustion.

I know you think it’s impossible to get away. It is difficult, I’ll give you that. It is very difficult. Our family therapist once asked my wife why she thought she couldn’t take time away and my wife said, with all seriousness; “They might burn the house down.” The therapist smiled and said: “You know, your kids might just do that. You need to get away, anyway.” We split up the kids, sent them to different friends who would do anything to help us and we got away. Things didn’t go well on the home front while we were gone. But on a positive note, the house didn’t burn down. The situations were somewhere between arson and bliss. And you know what? We dealt with it when we got home. Here’s the point… We dealt with the issues without being at the mercy of RAD exhaustion. It went better for us and it went better for the kids. In fact, watching us come home just reaffirmed, yet one more time, that this mom and dad never abandon you. Please listen to me. Do whatever it takes to find the resources you need to get away once in a while.

Getting away once in a while isn’t enough. We need to help our spouses, particularly if one spends more time in the home or dealing with the kids. Dad… bring home a box of bubble bath, leave it with mom and take the kids out for pizza and a movie. Can’t afford it? I get it. Remember, last week’s article was about being RAD broke. Take the kids to a park. Take them to the car wash and detail mom’s car. Ladies, my wife has perfected setting aside time for us. One of my favorites is a “late night date steak.” Once in a while, after everyone goes to bed, Amy will pull a surprise out of the fridge. We put the steak on the grill and she makes us wedge salads. Then we sit in front of the TV, eat our salads, share the steak and watch a movie until it’s over; even if we fall asleep on the couch. Times like these get water flowing back into the well faster than we draw it out. When we make time for each other and for our marriages, we are keeping RAD exhaustion at bay. We are saving our marriages and we are rescuing our families. Make sure you keep up the hazard insurance on your house. With Reactive Attachment Disorder, you may well make a claim. What the heck… Wouldn’t it be nice to get more from insurance than you put in once in a while?

If the therapist who helps your child doesn’t understand that parents need to be OK before the kids can be OK, and who doesn’t understand RAD exhaustion, you need a new therapist. I believe that the best methods out there, right now, are those developed by Karyn Purvis and TCU. Here is a link of professionals who have attended their training, listed by state. That is the first place I would start.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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