RAD normal was abnormal, but since my daughters didn’t understand anything different, they became most comfortable with RAD normal.

Not “Normal” Normal, but RAD Normal

In the comments section of one of my recent blog articles, a parent asked if we had ever noticed that our children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder went through periods of dramatic improvement before returning to normal. Then she qualified the statement by saying, “RAD normal, that is.” I smiled. For years I have referred to the experience of reactive attachment disorder being a journey of constant progress marked by three-steps-forward and two steps back. To me, a cycle of improvements in behaviors, attachment, attitude and performance, followed by regression (perhaps more correctly, “crashes”) and a return to gradual improvement, is a perfect definition for Reactive Attachment Disorder. That IS Rad normal.

Consistency and routine are not RAD normal.

I think we need to take a minute and remember where our children were when their brains learned what “normal” was. It wasn’t what most of us experienced as infants and young children. For the vast majority of us, consistency was normal. When we cried, our parents (and particularly, our mothers) made the pain go away. They fed us. They burped us. They changed our diapers. Our lives were a blissful routine and we learned to find comfort in that. All we had to do was cry and the results we needed were provided. Consistency, for us, was normal. Routine, for us, was normal. But consistency and routine are not RAD normal.

RAD normal was abnormal, but since my daughters didn’t understand anything different, they became most comfortable with RAD normal.

My daughters tell stories of being sent to the neighbors’ houses in a poverty stricken Russian village to beg for food. Usually they ate the scraps before returning home to get a beating for not bringing the food. Hunger is a big deal to my daughters because there were times that they almost starved to death. To them, during the most formative times of their brains, starvation was normal. That would have been about the extent of consistency, though. When my daughters cried, they may have been fed, or they might have been beat. Perhaps their filthy cloth diaper would have been changed, or more likely, they would have been screamed at, or worse; ignored. RAD normal was abnormal, but since my daughters didn’t understand anything different, they became most comfortable with RAD normal. My daughters learned that there was never cause and effect, only action and reaction. In fact, reading an article I wrote on RAD cycles will add significant understanding to what you get from this article.

Part of RAD normal is the need our children feel to have control in the face of so much uncertainty.

A lack of change makes my daughters incredibly uncomfortable. If something isn’t happening, or changing, it’s because something is about to change or happen. For my daughters, a time of consistency is like waiting for the judge to come back into the room to pronounce a sentence that will be immediately carried out. It will be freedom or execution. Needless to say, they aren’t comfortable during the wait. In fact, an attempt at escape is more likely than not. Why leave it in the hands of the judge? If they have a choice that allows them control, they will take it, even if the odds are extremely high that the judge’s decision will be for their freedom. Part of RAD normal is the need our children feel to have control in the face of so much uncertainty. And the only time they feel in control is when they are forcing a reaction.

Times of routine are when children with Reactive Attachment Disorder function best, but it doesn’t mean that RAD normal is comfortable with routine.

Our children weren’t taught (at least by practical experience) that good begets good and bad begets bad. They only know that when they do something, something else happens. If something isn’t happening, they can force something to happen with an action. They don’t know if the reaction will be good or bad (regardless of if their action is good or bad), but they know that they are in control of at least when the reaction will happen. And hey, if the reaction is bad, they can simply act again and wait for the next random reaction. Comfort, to our children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder, is control; not calmness, or uninterrupted routine. Some of you just rolled your eyes. You’re thinking that your child functions best when there is a fixed routine. You are absolutely correct. Times of routine are when children with Reactive Attachment Disorder function best, but it doesn’t mean that RAD normal is comfortable with routine. When there is no routine, our children are constantly acting out to make sure that their actions are controlling reactions. That is when they are busiest. These times are when we are well in tune with what they are thinking and doing. But when routine and lack of change are present, our children’s hypervigilancy is always on. They are constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Eventually, the anticipation of something going badly is too much. The child acts to create a reaction; that they controlled. That is one reason we notice them doing well, and for no apparent reason, they swerve into oncoming traffic.

By experience and according to RAD normal, control means they must be mean.

There is another tragic, if erroneous understanding that formed the belief system in many of our children’s early lives. The people who are in control are mean. And, there are only two types of people in the world. There are nice people, who are the victims of abuse from the mean people. And there are mean people who hurt nice people and mean people, alike. Many children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder left lives where they were the nice person who was the victim of a mean person. They will do everything in their power to make sure that they never return to that situation again. These former victims have become the other player in the only two types of people they understand. They are a person who is now in control. By experience and according to RAD normal, control means they must be mean.

Remember, perception creates our reality. RAD normal, to us, is just weird. It makes no sense what-so-ever. But to children who experienced no consistency, our “normal” is merely a temporary façade. They might as well be the one to demolish it before the big, fake wall comes crashing down when they aren’t ready.

Please don’t feel like you need to ask, to share. 🙂 Few things make me happier than your belief that my writings might help someone else. I love to see the likes, the comments, and especially, the shares. 🙂 

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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