Innocent prayers of gratitude for the miracle of bringing our family together were replaced by RAD prayers, begging for mercy, moaned out in bitter desperation.

Sometimes I Don’t Want to Pray

I mean, sometimes it seems like it doesn’t do any good. I realize that I tread deep into heresy territory by even thinking that. But on the worst days with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I can’t help it. Some people believe I’ll rot in hell for questioning eternal principles as basic as prayer and God’s wisdom. Others tell me that God forgives all if we believe in Him. I do believe in Him. And I don’t like to say this next part, but I think that there are others who might feel the same way, so I will. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I wonder if RAD prayers are answered.

Innocent prayers of gratitude for the miracle of bringing our family together were replaced by RAD prayers, begging for mercy, moaned out in bitter desperation.

I didn’t adopt children to be praised by others. I didn’t give my children my family to earn “heaven points” in some strange tally-keeping ritual to measure my merit and justify future rewards. I gave my children a home because I wanted to make my home better with their presence. And I did it because I wanted their lives to be better by having a family that loved them, supported them, and helped them. I thought that love would conquer all. Isn’t that what Christian teachings are all about? It didn’t work the way I thought it should have. Reactive Attachment Disorder was a strange phenomenon. Soon, innocent prayers of gratitude for the miracle of bringing our family together were replaced by RAD prayers, begging for mercy, moaned out in bitter desperation.

My RAD prayers made me feel like I was begging for help that I shouldn’t even need to request.

While I didn’t adopt my children for praise or reward, I definitely didn’t think that my family should be punished for those acts. But as children who suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder joined our family, innocent people were being hurt. My marriage had never been so taxed. And good begot bad more often than not. My whole life I had been taught that we “reap what we plant.” That wasn’t happening in our family. I felt betrayed. My RAD prayers made me feel like I was begging for help that I shouldn’t even need to request. If I planted good seeds and put in the work, I should have had good crops. That’s just simple math.

As my understanding changed, so did my RAD prayers.

At my low point, I was questioning why my children who suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder couldn’t just learn to trust me and do what I told them would bring them the most happiness. After all, I had never let them down, even if others had. That’s when the light clicked on. I could almost feel a friendly chuckle while thoughts of my own failures to heed His counsel filled my head. Was that friendly chuckle telling me that kids not listening to parents is just part of parenting no matter where? “On Earth, as it is in Heaven?” As my understanding changed, so did my RAD prayers.

In this life, good begets bad often and RAD prayers aren’t going to change that.

As my RAD prayers evolved, so did my understanding. I still wouldn’t call myself a person of great faith. I know too many people who have great faith to even consider putting myself among their ranks. But as I began to look outward, I realized that I was often looking at the middle of summer as the harvest season. While I battled weeds, and worked all hours of the day to bring water to withering crops, I was judging pumpkins that looked like little green tomatoes against the giant orange balls that would be seen at the State Fair in September. Then I considered the dilemma of good deeds bringing on bad consequences. Was that really a novel thing? It wasn’t a new concept in the Bible. Time after time after time there were those who suffered even after doing good. In the New Testament I even saw the ultimate example of eternal good being injured, maimed and killed. Thankfully, those days of darkness were not the end. The harvest came after everything else. How disappointing it would have been to imagine that the harvest, in that situation, came in this life? In this life, good begets bad often and RAD prayers aren’t going to change that.

RAD prayers may help me to hold on. Their results may even produce meaningful help during the work season. But RAD prayers simply won’t change the time of the harvest.

I would suggest that love really does conquer all; but not necessarily in this life and not necessarily in an imperfect world where Reactive Attachment Disorder exists. As much as I would like to choose when the harvest season is, I don’t get to do that. Still… I have choices. I can continue to work my crops, doing all that I can to help them grow while waiting until the harvest season actually comes, or, I can say that it’s simply too much work, and the results aren’t coming quickly enough. Then I can go find something less meaningful to do but that will provide more immediate gratification (Hmmm, sounds like a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder). RAD prayers may help me to hold on. Their results may even produce meaningful results during the work season. But RAD prayers simply won’t change the time of the harvest. Somehow, I need to learn to accept that fact.

I know myself well enough to realize that there will still be days when it’s hard for me to pray; days when I ask “why?” and days when I am down right angry and need to be sent to my room. I’m not going to beat myself up too badly over that, though. If I compare my children’s imperfections to mine, and then compare my status to the Perfect Father’s, I am much closer to my most difficult child than I am to the Perfect Father. If we, being imperfect, can handle our children getting angry at us when they don’t understand, how much more capable is the Perfect Father of letting us sulk in our room, until we can calm down? If we can be patient (though perhaps aggravated) when it takes our children a while to be happy with us again, even when they are the ones at fault, might not the Perfect Father show perfect patience with us?

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

Read more blog articles by John M. Simmons about Disorders/Mental Illness

Return to John M. Simmons’ Blog

Ensure you don’t miss anything when you sign up for notifications