We can always support each other with true empathy, without worrying that there is something we can’t say because of RAD taboo.

I Love That on This Blog, There is no RAD Taboo.

One of the things I like most about this blog and those who participate in the comments is a lack of judgement. Raising children with Reactive Attachment Disorder is one of the most difficult types of parenting there is. We who have done it, know it. One of the most common statements in the comments section of my blog is that those people who haven’t parented children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like. I think that level of experienced difficulty and understanding that we are in a group where everyone understands gives rise to an interesting fact. We can be honest, here. There is no RAD taboo.

We can always support each other with true empathy, without worrying that there is something we can’t say because of RAD taboo.

There have been those who have shared their experiences in comments on this blog as they have decided to terminate adoptions. I have never seen expressed judgement in the comments that follow. On the other hand, I have seen comments where people have decided to keep working with children despite the continued abuse of other family members that could come from the RAD sufferer based on that decision. Others who have terminated family relationships for the exact same reason offer words of encouragement rather than preaching and judgment while justifying their own prior actions. We have all considered both roads. We all know how it feels. We all know that there is no clear-cut right answer. We can always support each other with true empathy, without worrying that there is something we can’t say because of RAD taboo.

While there is no RAD taboo on this blog, there is often RAD taboo at church.

There are many followers of this blog who are active, practicing Christians. There are others who are Christian by belief, but who have fallen away from practice, often due to difficulties that arose from situations related to Reactive Attachment Disorder. While there is no RAD taboo on this blog, there is often RAD taboo at church. “You never give up on a child no matter what happens to others!” “You must get that child out of the house to protect the others! You never should have adopted such a troubled child and subjected your other children to those conditions!” “You need to pray more.” “If you had enough faith, you could overcome those issues!” I think I might like that one, best. If only the accuser who had that much faith would utilize it to heal my child as a true Christian act of faith, on behalf of me, who has insufficient faith. “The same Spirit gives great faith to another; and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing.” Yeah… I didn’t get that gift. Lil’ help?

I’ll share a little secret with you. It’s not RAD taboo, but it might just be religious taboo. I have always struggled with the fifth book of Matthew, which many consider to be the foundation of how Christians should act.

I truly believe that gift exists. I also believe it is rare. Those of us with Christian beliefs usually turn to the Bible for answers. Still, so many good Christians have found opposite answers to the same problem from the same book. That is not paradoxical. The right answer varies by circumstance. I’ll share a little secret with you. It’s not RAD taboo, but it might just be religious taboo. I have always struggled with the fifth book of Matthew, which many consider to be the foundation of how Christians should act. I mean, it starts with the beatitudes and being the salt of the earth. It goes on with giving your coat as well, when someone asks for your shirt, then it talks about turning the other cheek. That’s all pretty difficult stuff. But the last words of that chapter are what really got me. “But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Yeah, thanks a lot, Matthew. Oops… those words are in red. I guess I don’t get to blame Matthew. That makes it even more difficult.

I think that those of us with Christian beliefs and backgrounds, who also parent children with Reactive Attachment Disorder beat ourselves up too much because of our interpretation (and often, others’ interpretation) of scripture. I don’t see that self-flagellation as being Biblically required. If I understand the sacrifice of Jesus correctly, it wasn’t to save everyone, but to save a few, while giving everyone a chance at salvation. That is the example I have attempted to follow in parenting children from very hard places. I can only give them a chance.

There is no RAD taboo forbidding me to consider whether I made a wrong choice in the first place.

As a parent, I need to decide, along with my wife, when and if that chance needs to end, whether it should be put on hold, or if it needs to continue. There is no RAD taboo forbidding me to consider whether I made a wrong choice in the first place. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. Some would do it again, some wouldn’t. For me, if I knew what I know now and was confronted with the choice to adopt my most troubled child, first, I would sit on the ground and cry. Then I would ask God why; not because I have the right, but because that’s what I do. And after I was done mourning my future, I would get up and do it again.

The beauty of this blog is we get to ignore RAD taboo and talk about both sides of each decision with others who understand us and our situations.

I wouldn’t do it because I believed that’s what the words in red required. Maybe they do and maybe they don’t. I would do it again because in my family’s case, it was the right thing to do. There are other times, places and conditions where my decision would have been wrong. The beauty of this blog is we get to ignore RAD taboo and talk about both sides of each decision with others who understand us and our situations. There are no general right or wrong decisions. But there is a right and wrong for each of our families. The difficulty comes with deciding what that is.

Oh, and don’t let the last words in Matthew confuse you. It is so often the case that when something in the Bible is hard to understand, the answer can be found elsewhere within its pages. Hebrews 10: 14 says, “For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.” We don’t make ourselves perfect by doing or not doing what the words in red say. Making us perfect is God’s job.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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