My children were betrayed by their first mother. I got it from them. I would learn first-hand that solving betrayal problems wouldn’t come easy.

As a Parent, My Needs Weren’t Met. (Part of the Parents from Hard Places Series)

The more I study the materials created by Karyn Purvis, David Cross and Texas Christian University, the more I realize that there was a purpose to my wife’s and my suffering through the trauma that comes with parenting children from hard places. We had to experience, in some very small way, what our children had lived. That trial was necessary for us to be able to teach them how to get through it. In no area was that more true than in feelings of betrayal. Solving betrayal problems had to start with the feelings that we had as parents, before we could help our children.

My children were betrayed by their first mother. I got it from them. I would learn first-hand that solving betrayal problems wouldn’t come easy.

Again… I say, “In some small way.” I mean, I never watched my mother throw my little sister on a wood burning stove while I witnessed her clothing burst into flames. My mother never beat my head on the floor until my brain was damaged and one of my eyes went permanently crossed. But I felt betrayed. I rescued some of my children; in a very real sense. The statistics describing children who age out of orphanages prove that statement beyond any reasonable doubt. I held them. I fed them. I loved them. I forgave them seventy times seven. For my efforts I was manipulated, charmed with insincere expressions of love, and often outright hated by them. They lied to me and about me. I believe that one of the most traumatic things we can experience is rejection by family members. My children were betrayed by their first mother. I got it from them. I would learn first-hand that solving betrayal problems wouldn’t come easy.

My first step in solving betrayal problems that my children felt for first parents would be solving betrayal problems that I felt for those children.

I came to understand the paradoxical feelings of my children. Just like they loved their first parents, I loved them. I couldn’t undo those feelings of love and neither could they. But my traumatized children from hard places didn’t “like” their first mother. And evil as it sounds… I didn’t “like” them. My first step in solving betrayal problems that my children felt for first parents would be solving betrayal problems that I felt for those children. Dr. Purvis talks about those parental feelings in the video, Trust Based Parenting. She says that we need to acknowledge our own pain and disappointment. After all, what we received when we brought these children from hard places and into our homes is not what we thought we were signing up for. Karyn says that often, by the time that she talks to parents, that they say they are just too tired. They tell her that they love their child, but they really don’t like them. Sounds like I’m not alone in feelings that have caused me to experience great guilt. She tells us to forgive ourselves for that and allow ourselves those feelings. Forgiving ourselves while we still have those feelings sounds like yet another paradox. But I’m convinced that if we are to successfully parent children from hard places, we need to learn to accept and perhaps even embrace paradoxes. This includes paradoxes we encounter while solving betrayal problems.

When our children show no remorse for their wrongs and stand prepared to hurt us again and again, it is all but impossible to muster the strength to give the forgiveness that will be required for solving betrayal problems that come because of things our children do to us.

Not only do we need to forgive ourselves for our feelings, we need to forgive our children. That is extremely difficult when they admit no wrong and desire no forgiveness. It is much easier to forgive someone when they humbly admit their errors and beg us to forgive them. It gives us a feeling of compassion when we see them in sackcloth and ashes. Those feelings of empathy and understanding move us to grant their petition. When our children show no remorse for their wrongs and stand prepared to hurt us again and again, it is all but impossible to muster the strength to give the forgiveness that will be required for solving betrayal problems that come because of things our children do to us. But that is exactly what we need to do.

When we forgive our children unconditionally, it puts us on the path to solving betrayal problems for us, and later, for them.

The Bible teaches us mortals to forgive everyone. God decides whom He will forgive and according to Biblical verse, this seems to be largely dependent on their repentance and willingness to change. For some reason, we sometimes feel like we have the right to withhold forgiveness until someone changes their ways and asks for our forgiveness. When we do that, we are usurping a privilege that belongs to God, alone. We must forgive our children who have wronged us whether or not they ask for it, whether or not they change and whether or not they deserve our forgiveness. When we forgive our children unconditionally, it puts us on the path to solving betrayal problems for us, and later, for them.

My wife is a master forgiver. She grew up in an abusive home until she entered the U.S. foster system at the age of fifteen. When that happened, the abuse didn’t stop even though the form changed. It took her years to forgive those who had abused her from the position of “parent,” but she says that when she did so, it was the most liberating feeling of her life. Though I had heard it my whole life, my wife showed me that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the one who is forgiven. There is another important lesson my wife taught me about forgiveness. We CAN forgive without forgetting. And we often must. Christians understand that we must be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. We need to remember what our children have done, particularly while they are still inclined to do the same. This is necessary for us to take the measures required to continue to protect ourselves and other family members even while moving forward in solving betrayal problems. But we must rid ourselves of the harsh feelings that came as a result of our children betraying us. I don’t know how that might be accomplished. I’m not a good example, myself. Even so, when we finally accomplish forgiving our children unconditionally, it allows us to teach our children how to forgive the family members who betrayed them. It seems to me that forgiveness is the foundation to solving betrayal problems.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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Any methods or principles shared in this article are based on my interpretation of teachings, along with what I have learned from studying resources provided by Dr. Karyn Purvis and/or Texas Christian University. While I believe that this article conforms to principles that they have developed, neither Dr. Purvis nor Texas Christian University have approved or endorsed this article. I, alone take full responsibility for my writings. However, I am not a professional therapist. I am not a licensed social worker. I’m just a dad from a hard place, who likes to share with other parents from hard places. I believe that the best advice I can give you is to read the book The Connected Child and to use that along with the DVDs developed by Texas Christian University for working with Children from Hard Places. “Children from Hard Places” is a term that was coined by Dr. Purvis and it has been used extensively by Texas Christian University in describing their materials for helping children from traumatic histories. As a parent from a hard place, good luck in your journey. Please help me if you find me injured and lying along the path. I promise to do the same for you.