No one who has ever experienced life in survival mode of Reactive Attachment Disorder could ever forget how it feels.

How Long can I Survive in Survival Mode?

This isn’t the life I wanted. There is only hate and contention but families are supposed to be about love. No one was supposed to fear for their life. I just want the nightmare to stop. I’m so tired and numb I can’t even cry. I can scream… Oh, I can scream. But I can’t cry. I’m angry. I’m numb. I’m just hanging on and I’ve been just hanging on for so long. I’m in survival mode and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. People tell me they pray for me and sometimes that even makes me angry. I know it shouldn’t, but I don’t want prayers. I want solutions. I just want the stress to be over. Forever. Sometimes I want to take whatever I can get my hands on at the moment, and run. Sometimes I want to hurt them. I can’t trust them and I’m tired of the façade. I’m tired of survival mode and I don’t ever want to risk a situation like this again.

No one who has ever experienced life in survival mode of Reactive Attachment Disorder could ever forget how it feels.

Fortunately for my family, we got beyond survival mode with my oldest daughter. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen without her needing to permanently leave the home for residential treatment. My daughter has improved significantly since the climax of terror that got her out of our home. Though she doesn’t live with us anymore, she is still an important and active part of our family. Thank God we were allowed that. So many other parents of children who suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder are cheated of any semblance of healing or togetherness. Though our family has advanced beyond survival mode, it doesn’t mean we have forgotten what it feels like. No one who has ever experienced life in survival mode of Reactive Attachment Disorder could ever forget how it feels.

Distrust was not limited to those who had proven unworthy of trust. When we were in survival mode, distrust was a way of life.

Living the terror of watching innocent family members injured and abused took its toll on our family. There was a time when I didn’t think we would get through it, much less, over it. During the most difficult of times, the emotions in our family were quite limited. Fear and anger reigned. Constant reaction to fear and anger wasn’t a natural way for a family to function. And because of the overbearance of emotions that define survival mode weren’t natural, their dominance caused us to act in unnatural ways. We were impatient with those who had not taxed our patience because we had already been pushed beyond our limits. Distrust was not limited to those who had proven unworthy of trust. When we were in survival mode, distrust was a way of life. We returned evil for evil. We lived by the sword and died by the sword. Perhaps not physically (though at the worst points, it was a possibility) but love, the way it should be in a family, was a casualty. It seemed like no one would survive survival mode.

Though I would confidently say that we “got over it,” I won’t pretend that that survival mode didn’t leave scars.

A while after my daughter entered residential treatment, our family began to heal. It didn’t come without effort. Habits that had become ingrained during a time of necessity when we were in survival mode were tough to give up. You don’t just walk away from methods that kept you from perishing. But we wanted our old lives back. We wanted our family to return to a semblance of normalcy. There were days when we did better than others. There were days when individuals in the family flat-out failed. (And I was often the one in failure mode.) We took turns being the strong ones and we all got our chance to be weak. Sometimes we carried the stretcher occupied by a family member and on other occasions, we were individually carried. Getting beyond and over survival mode was a long and difficult journey. And though I would confidently say that we “got over it,” I won’t pretend that that survival mode didn’t leave scars.

The greatest blessing was that we had “been there” and “done that.” We knew what it was like to be in survival mode and we knew what it took to get over it.

As we recovered from Reactive Attachment Disorder survival mode, we realized that my oldest daughter had not done the same. Though she no longer lived in our home, we wanted her to experience the same happiness that comes with recovery. The greatest blessing was that we had “been there” and “done that.” We knew what it was like to be in survival mode and we knew what it took to get over it. Our family was traumatized by my oldest daughter through no fault of our own. We realized that she had been traumatized by members of another family, through no fault of her own. It wasn’t about “fair.” Our family understood that my oldest daughter had skills and habits she developed from her first moments onward that she used to keep herself (relatively) safe and alive. We also understood, in a very small way, how difficult it was to give up survival skills.

Over the years she progressed beyond survival mode though it was always in the strange Reactive Attachment Disorder mode of three-steps-forward-two-steps-back.

We used our own experiences in overcoming to help my oldest daughter to do the same. It came much slower for her. She had been more damaged than we had. Because her damage came during critical times in young brain development, survival mode, for her, was much more ingrained. But because of our experiences with overcoming trauma, we knew how to lead her; how to help her. Over the years she progressed beyond survival mode though it was always in the strange Reactive Attachment Disorder mode of three-steps-forward-two-steps-back.

During the time that our family was in survival mode, I never imagined that there could be anything positive that came from such an overwhelmingly horrible time. But that experience was the only thing that gave us the experience we needed to help our daughter. Those experiences were the only things that helped us to understand feelings of our daughter, expressed in the first paragraph of this article:

This isn’t the life I wanted. There is only hate and contention but families are supposed to be about love. No one was supposed to fear for their life. I just want the nightmare to stop. I’m so tired and numb I can’t even cry. I can scream… Oh, I can scream. But I can’t cry. I’m angry. I’m numb. I’m just hanging on and I’ve been just hanging on for so long. I’m in survival mode and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. People tell me they pray for me and sometimes that even makes me angry. I know it shouldn’t, but I don’t want prayers. I want solutions. I just want the stress to be over. Forever. Sometimes I want to take whatever I can get my hands on at the moment, and run. Sometimes I want to hurt them. I can’t trust them and I’m tired of the façade. I’m tired of survival mode and I don’t ever want to risk a situation like this again.

Often, readers receive as much help from other readers in the comments section as they do from the blog article, itself. Please be generous with your thoughts and experiences in the comments section. There are lots of people who need what you have to share. This is your chance to help them.

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Any methods or principles shared in this article are based on my interpretation of teachings, along with what I have learned from studying resources provided by Dr. Karyn Purvis and/or Texas Christian University. While I believe that this article conforms to principles that they have developed, neither Dr. Purvis nor Texas Christian University have approved or endorsed this article. I, alone take full responsibility for my writings. However, I am not a professional therapist. I am not a licensed social worker. I’m just a dad from a hard place, who likes to share with other parents from hard places. I believe that the best advice I can give you is to read the book The Connected Child and to use that along with the DVDs developed by Texas Christian University for working with Children from Hard Places. “Children from Hard Places” is a term that was coined by Dr. Purvis and it has been used extensively by Texas Christian University in describing their materials for helping children from traumatic histories. As a parent from a hard place, good luck in your journey. Please help me if you find me injured and lying along the path. I promise to do the same for you.