Why+can’t+I+sleep… About 487,000,000 results (0.79 seconds). Thanks, Google. Four hundred and eighty seven million; a bit much, even for you.

I’m not typically an insomniac. But the last week or so, I either can’t get to sleep or I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself unable to go back to sleep. I need to find a solution though, because if I continue to grope my wife, so she can’t sleep, I might personally find out why John Bobbit found himself out desperately searching in a field. I took a stab at one out of 487 million.

Stress? No more than normal… Depressed? I don’t think so, but I haven’t balanced the checkbook lately. Anxiety? Well, we have nine kids, but I have always been able to sleep before… Recent traumatic experience? Apparently none that haven’t been psychologically blocked from my memory. Medications? Yeah… again, I have nine kids. Still, no changes in medication. Sleep environment quiet and comfortable? Check. Consistency in bed time and wake up schedules? Check.

Unusual+reasons+for+insomnia… About 5,210,000 results (0.59 seconds). Only five million. That’s a little better, Google.

First stab… Dementia? Huh. Who would have thought? I don’t think I have dementia… Would I remember if I did? That’s a tough one. I’ll write it down so I don’t forget, just in case. Better take another stab, though.

Guilt? Yeah. Knowing me, that’s more likely. Did I forget an important date? I don’t remember forgetting an important date, but that’s a good brick for building the dementia bridge. Still, my wife isn’t angry, so it probably isn’t the forgotten date thing. Unless my wife has dementia, too! Wow. Two bricks in the bridge to dementia. I can’t think of anything I should be feeling guilty about, at least at the moment. That’s odd. There’s almost always something I should feel guilty about. Ummm, is that five bricks in the dementia bridge? I don’t remember… It’s more than I feel comfortable with, though. Wait! What if it’s dementia AND guilt? That would be about my luck.

Have I been mean to the kids without remembering? Probably not. They’re not afraid enough to stop asking me for money. Am I having an affair? Oh boy… I hope not! I’ve never had an affair before! Still, if I have dementia and don’t remember, I guess anything is possible. I’d better look into it, so if I am, I can stop before my wife finds out.

I have six email accounts so I checked all of them. No trace of an affair. Social media? Nothing on my Facebook account. Twitter? Nope. Good. Google+, Instagram, Pinterest? So far, so good. Text? Well, if it’s there I can’t find it. Maybe it’s safe text.

I sent Google back to work to see who was having affairs and which relationships had been affected. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Mel Gibson and Robyn Moore. Okay. I have seen enough. If these are the kind of people who are affected by cheating, put me on the list of people least likely to have an affair.

Back to Unusual+reasons+for+insomnia… You’re not wearing socks. Oh come on, Google! You’re killing me! I’m too tired for this. I’m going to bed.

I guess everybody has a few nights when they can’t sleep.